The Greatest Resentment

 The greatest resentment I ever feel is towards my parent.

Diorang lahirkan aku tapi buat aku macam menyusahkan depa. Humiliate me. Scold me. Hit me. Tengking aku. Pukul aku sampai hanger patah. Dengan tali pinggang. Tarik rambut aku. Penampar. Penumbuk. Cubit. Berdarah. Maki toksah cakap la.. berbuih.

Ayah aku? Aku umur setahun lebih dah start pukul aku dah. Aku still pakai pampers lagi time tu. Banyak parut kat badan aku yang aku tak ingat bila aku kena, tapi parut tu ada. Setahun lebih, ape kenakalan sangat yg aku buat? Ape yang aku buat kat ayah aku? Mak aku 3kali ke Jabatan Agama nak minta cerai sebab ayah aku pukul aku. Berdarah-darah.

They fucking make me. Don't they know any better if they fucked, they will have a baby that they never know that they're ready or not to have?

How can i forgive them for me? Should i forgive them because they are my parent? If so, why they did what they did to me even though I'm their child? I remember the resentment built up towards I'm growing up. You must've felt like I'm exaggerating, overly keeping score with them. Yes, I am. Because I won't treat my children that way.

And the hard truth is, I can think this way only because they are my parent. My parent need to behave the certain way for me to have some kind realization that I won't treat my children the way they did. Hmmm..

And also, they only have that much emotional regulations skills that they learned throughout their life. Hmm.. so if I want to live peacefully, forgiveness might be the only way. So I can move on. So that I won't asking why they didn't treat me fairly. Cos, they just reacted to the energy were given to them.

Being who I am right now. I have the choice to return the same energy to the world or choosing the different energy to give. My inner child energized by love. I believe I have lots of love regenerate if I gave a lot to the world.

Why I bring up this childhood issues even though it's long gone? Cause every time people did me wrong, I resented them. I resented my boss, my friends, my partner. I feel deep hate feelings towards them. Little did I know, the resentment feeling already built up inside me. The resentment feeling feels familiar because it's been there all along. Aku kenal feeling RESENTMENT tu.

Kenapa aku tulis dalam blog aku ni? Sebab after realization aku ni, aku tau yang macam mana seorang manusia tu treat seseorang adalah pilihan dia. Takde kena mengena sebab aku ni tak layak dilayan elok ke, sebab aku hina ke, sebab rupa paras aku ke or sebab aku bodoh. Termasuk la parent aku. 

Dear Mom & Dad,

Let me show you how unconditional love feels like.